Am I bad mother?
Today I took my kids to the park. And....
it rained yesterday.
Oh yes it did. Like record rain. But I thought, "Oh it will be fine. We'll go to that one park with wood chips. and if they get a little wet, NO BIG DEAL."
Welp, I asked my 8 year old if he'd mind keeping an eye on the 1 year old. He was happy to do so. Before long I saw my oldest luring my baby up a hill. Like the best rolling hill in all the land, mind you. The hill flattens out at the top into a big soccer field. I was on the phone with my dear husband telling him how much we need to get a dog (crazy, I know). As I walked up the hill I could hear all three of my kids giggling their heads off and my heart warmed as I saw them running together. And then I said to Steve, "You know maybe we should wait, I kind of have my hands full with Mack right now."
Half way through that sentence I noticed WHY my kids were giggling. They had found a field FULL of puddles.
Ugh.
My knee-jerk reaction was to say, "STOP!! Ben, get Mack out of the puddle, those are his new shoes!" I watched as my 8 year old's head began to hang down. He went to grab the baby and Mack pulled with all his might toward the puddle.
I had a choice to make.
I bit my tongue. I've learned in the past 8.5 years of mothering to stop and take a picture when there's a mess. It tends to lighten the mood a little when I look at the situation as a memory in the making instead of a world-ending disaster. So I broke out my phone and stood there and filmed. I wasn't thrilled I tell you. You can hear it in my voice. But as the clip went on, I was telling myself, "We have a washer. They're happy. They didn't do it to make me mad."
I turned off the camera and looked at Ben. "Thanks for watching out for Mack, bud." He walked slowly back to the playground with me. I wish I would have told him to jump in there too. I wish I would have joined them myself! But we stayed anyway. We played at the park in soggy pants. And you know what? We ALL were happy. And we got some much needed Vitamin D.
A few years ago, I left my house in tears over an incident where I felt like I was failing as a mom. Which, is quite often because I'm a perfectionist. Which I just heard someone describe as the worst form of self-punishment. Anyway, I sat in my car and called my mom in tears.
"Mom, I'm ruining my kids I know I am. You are the greatest mom (which seriously she is...anyone that knows her, can attest) why can't I be more like you?"
My wise and beautiful mother responded, "Well, I don't know about that. I made plenty of mistakes as a young mother. But Aly, you are just a little sapling. Don't compare yourself to a great oak tree."
My heart was comforted and my courage returned. One day, I too, could be a great oak.
My husband read this poem to me from a talk he read the other day.
“The tree that never had to fight
For sun and sky and air and light,
But stood out in the open plain
And always got its share of rain,
Never became a forest king
But lived and died a scrubby thing.
The man who never had to toil to live,
Who never had to win his share
Of sun and sky and light and air,
Never became a manly man
But lived and died as he began.
“Good timber does not grow at ease,
The stronger wind, the stronger trees.
The further sky, the greater length,
The more the storm, the more the strength.
By sun and cold, in rain and snow,
in trees and men good timbers grow.
Where thickest lies the forest growth
We find the patriarchs of both.
And they hold council with the stars
Whose broken branches show the scars
Of many winds and much of strife.
This is the common law of life.”
—Author unknown.
It's a fight, people. It's a struggle. And a lot of times we second and triple guess our actions and decisions in motherhood. But we are spreading our roots to strengthen ourselves as the winds blow. It can't be done over night. It's a process. And you know what, little by little we're getting there. Forward and then a little backward. But then forward again.
If you stumbled across this post because you were searching for answers to whether you're a bad mom or not. I'm with you sister. I've been there. I've literally googled that. And guess what, there are actually quizzes out there. DON'T DO IT. You have different gifts than other moms and your kids are going to totally rock in other areas than their friends. They may run slower than sticky molasses to home plate in their baseball game. But they also just stood up for someone being teased on the bus. They may pee their pants TWICE on the ski hill, but they wanted to give you 9 hugs before they left for school. They may tell you that they literally, actually H.A.T.E. you. But they don't. At least they won't forever. Someday they may call you in tears. And you, too, will tell them they are just a sapling.
But with time, they will be the great oak.
One of the greatest quotes of all time on motherhood.
"To all mothers in every circumstance, including those who struggle—and all will—I say, ‘Be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are.’” -Jeffrey R. Holland
Hang in there momma. You're you. And that's good enough for me.
Hey, do me a favor, and comment with thoughts and questions on motherhood.
The End (literally...oh yes we did.)
Love, Aly
P.S. And seriously, it wasn't even a FULL load of laundry. Totally not a big deal.
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